In the relational life of Patrick, a manager in a communications company, there was a before and after. “I hated having to negotiate, whether on a craft market or in my department, at work,” he explains. To argue, to push the other person to his limits, to seek what I want, scared me in fact, afraid of failing. ”

But Patrick, through the book of Chris Voss, former FBI negotiator who now teaches this difficult art (Never cut the pear in two, Chris Voss and Tahl Raz at Belfond Publishing), says he has discovered a new way of thinking negotiation … And so relations to others. “Because there is not a commercial dimension in this obligation to argue, explains Patrick. In fact, we spend our life negotiating: with our building trustee, with our children, our colleagues, or to get a better place in a hotel … all our relationships assume that we are willing to do it, and that. ..

For Chris Voss, it is also a necessary condition for the success of a negotiation: that the basic needs of the interlocutors are respected, their need for security and need of control. Bringing the other to pronounce a no at the beginning of the exchanges gives him a feeling of freedom that can round off the rest. “Then we can go to” How? “OK, you can not give me this promotion, so how do I gratify my job?”

New information then arrives as it clarifies its thinking; What are the values of this other? What does he really have in mind? “In fact, his approach invites us to make a real psychological inquiry, based on curiosity, explains Patrick, it is a deep contact with our interlocutor that allows us to find the agreement.”

For the mediators, nothing is more important than becoming the mirror of what a person says, because it is the recognition of the emotions that help to move forward (read below). “To the aggressive guy, we say,” You’re angry, are not you? “Says Patrick Raffin-Pelloz. We do not ask ourselves in judge or council, and let him know that everyone can interrupt the process at any time. For those who can not even talk to each other and sometimes even turn their backs, the third party mediator is essentially used to rephrase so that the requests are heard.

“Sir says he can not pay support at this time he is unemployed, but he agrees to take more children on guard when you’re at work for example.” “It’s not the struggle of arguments that advances a negotiation, but the understanding of what the other really wants,” adds Patrick. Wanting to be recognized or respected first, autonomous or thanked …

Entering the mental universe of his interlocutor obviously makes the difference because what one seeks to get from him is a real yes, not a “yes” of convenience or release. “The magical skill at this stage is empathy,” says Patrick, “the only one that can lead to a satisfactory negotiation for both parties.” While waiting for the resolution of the exchanges, we must keep at heart to advance. “We never know who will be able to find an agreement,” notes Patrick Raffin-Peyloz. But we know that, anyway, it is still possible to plant small seeds, even between those who are so fiercely opposed today.